You’ve poured over all the social media accounts, spent hours Googling narcissistic abuse, and listened to endless videos and podcasts on the subject. You’ve come to the realization something is definitely not right, and the descriptions of narcissistic abuse seem to fit the overall ongoing pattern in your relationship.
You go back and forth questioning if it’s really abuse, or if he’s a narcissist, ruminating and trying to make sense of what you’re experiencing.
If you’re like all of the women I’ve worked with over the past 5 years in Awakening Women, you question things only when he is being nice, helpful, attentive, caring, doting, helpful, and oddly ‘normal’.
Listen, if his behaving properly and ‘normally’ is a rare event, this is your first clue that something is very wrong.
If it’s awful more than it’s joyful,
If it’s painful more than it’s loving,
If there are more conflicts than there is peace,
If you feel confused and anxious more than you feel calm about the relationship, and you question if you’re just imagining things, are being too sensitive, or wonder if you really are losing your mind, these are indicators of experiencing abuse and manipulation.
Rather than continuing to figure out his psychology, issues, and why he acts the way he does, I want you to focus on the behavior and patterns over the duration of your relationship. It takes time to see patterns emerge, so do your best to assess overall, if these behaviors and tendencies are occurring in your relationship consistently.
Playing Mental Ping-Pong: The Battle Within You Is Making You Sick
When it comes to being in an abusive, toxic, or narcissistically abusive relationship, most women I work with play this game of mental ping-pong, and go back and forth about whether their spouse is a narcissist or something else…
There is a big difference between someone who has some narcissism that shows up in certain areas on occasion (we ALL do), maybe they are avoidant, or even selfish at times – and someone who is abusive.
In the end, it doesn’t matter if they actually have NPD or just some traits, or are avoidant (or any other thing), what matters is what being in a relationship with someone like this does to you.
How is it impacting YOU?
And, do they care how their behavior impacts you?
Focus on how you are doing in this relationship – not trying to diagnose him.
As Dr. Ramani said: “one time is an incident, after 3 times it’s a pattern”.
I like that because it provides CLARITY.
Patterns are impossible to change unless BOTH partners are willing to see their own issues – and with a truly selfish person, they are not at all open to accountability and resolving things OR seeing the patterns they have.
I recently did a poll on my Instagram page, asking “Do you doubt if he is really a narcissist?
And of those who responded to the poll here were the results:
15% said “Yes all the time”
22% said “No, I know for sure”
46% said “I go back and forth”
17% said “I wonder if I am a narcissist”
You think that if he is NOT a narcissist, then maybe he can change, but the truth is, that personality disorders and relationship abuse are nearly impossible to change because the psychology of the person engaging in the abuse is wired to behave this way.
It’s akin to trying to make a dog quack like a duck. It ain’t going to happen.
Even IF he wanted to change, It would take a lifetime of deep inner work, entering (willingly on his own) abuse programs for men, lifelong therapy with someone who can treat NPD, and commitment to being accountable to you, as well as being willing to take influence from you and change his behavior.
And he would be working against his natural default of narcissistic and abusive behaviors and attitudes.
Not only this, but YOU can never unsee, unhear, and unknow what has happened, and once you see what someone is capable of, even if they could change, you can never get that out of your mind, heart, and body.
Trust is fragile, and will be very difficult to heal, and that is only if he is doing the above, showing true remorse, along with changed behavior over years (not months).
And what this living in the grey area does, is keep you in a relationship that is destroying your life, health, and well-being, as well as further causing emotional damage to your kids who are also in the cycle, experiencing similar feelings of confusion and fear.
Instead of trying to figure out if he is or isn’t a narcissist, why not do a complete 180 and focus on YOU.
This is what fixating on our relationships allows us to do, ignore our own needs, and abandon the things we need to be focusing on.
This is precisely what I walk you through in my program, End The Cycle Evolve.
This program is made specifically for women who are going back and forth about if they should leave, or they know they need to leave but don’t know where to start with making a plan.
Whether you’re still going back and forth, or you know you need support to get yourself out, and beyond, you’ll want to make sure you jump into the program.
You might be thinking that joining the program means you now have to make a quick decision to leave, but that is not the case.
While I never suggest women stay in unsafe, violent, and toxic situations, the reality is, that sometimes leaving right away isn’t the best thing, and you need to make sure you’re prepared as best as you can be.
I want you to feel fully prepared mentally and emotionally for all that is to come…
I want you to have a safety plan in place, just in case you do have to leave quickly if things escalate!
Most women underestimate the difficult path ahead as they are leaving and in the first months after they’ve left, and I want you to be prepared…
This is why the End the Cycle Evolve program includes a process to guide you from not knowing if you should leave to having a solid plan to get out and prepare for what is to come once you get out.
You are supported every step of the way.
You might also wonder if you need to figure this all out within 3 months in the program, and this is not required.
While the coaching and community portion lasts 3 months, you have access to all program materials for 6 months to revisit the modules as part of your investment in the program.
If you’re on the fence, this is the way through (and I know you’re tired of being on the fence).
ENROLL IN ETCE AND SAVE $1,000 for today only!
I’ll see you inside!